Snow ball fights and angels in the yard.
From what the weather man on News 4 New York tells me, the snow is coming. Thankfully, I for one love the snow. Not so much the extreme cold but more the cleanliness or rebirth of the world as it falls and covers the dirty roads, buildings and gray empty trees with just a bit of natural decoration.
The wait for its impending arrival has given me a chance to think back when my children were smaller. Like most families we went sledding, ice skating and built snow families on the front lawn. These small thing give further thought to the other outings, sports events, school functions, movies etc. that parents attend or take there children too. They all seemed to enjoy it at the time. We all seemed so happy. And now, at this strange and crazy time in my life, I wonder why forgetting all that and calling on the last few years to concentrate on is so important. Why please, are those wonderful memories lost with just a drop of a hat? How is it that I/we were so cool for letting them have endless parties, sleep over's and what have you, and now it's as if those things never happened? As if the family BBQ's in the back yard never existed; or how all the fun trips to the lake could be washed away like the hours building sand castles only to sit and watch them be washed away with the tide.
It seems now it's more important to tell me what a terrible father I was just to make themselves feel better of justify their own misunderstanding of the situation. In response to that, Sarah, Alex, Amanda and Kate, I have wonderful memories of you growing up and I'm sorry to say that no matter what you do or say I'll still have them. The sad part of this equations is that I'll also have everything that their doing and saying now just as readily available in my memory bank as the good stuff. And I can already hear it, "stop playing the victim." I don't think that I'm playing the victim as much as to say, you're wrong, wake up, think back, grow up, we had a good life and I was/am a good father. And no matter how much you try to say that I'm not, we both know that to be false.
Who ever said that "Sticks and stone may break my bones but names will never harm me," was full of crap. The names can easily break your heart.
The wait for its impending arrival has given me a chance to think back when my children were smaller. Like most families we went sledding, ice skating and built snow families on the front lawn. These small thing give further thought to the other outings, sports events, school functions, movies etc. that parents attend or take there children too. They all seemed to enjoy it at the time. We all seemed so happy. And now, at this strange and crazy time in my life, I wonder why forgetting all that and calling on the last few years to concentrate on is so important. Why please, are those wonderful memories lost with just a drop of a hat? How is it that I/we were so cool for letting them have endless parties, sleep over's and what have you, and now it's as if those things never happened? As if the family BBQ's in the back yard never existed; or how all the fun trips to the lake could be washed away like the hours building sand castles only to sit and watch them be washed away with the tide.
It seems now it's more important to tell me what a terrible father I was just to make themselves feel better of justify their own misunderstanding of the situation. In response to that, Sarah, Alex, Amanda and Kate, I have wonderful memories of you growing up and I'm sorry to say that no matter what you do or say I'll still have them. The sad part of this equations is that I'll also have everything that their doing and saying now just as readily available in my memory bank as the good stuff. And I can already hear it, "stop playing the victim." I don't think that I'm playing the victim as much as to say, you're wrong, wake up, think back, grow up, we had a good life and I was/am a good father. And no matter how much you try to say that I'm not, we both know that to be false.
Who ever said that "Sticks and stone may break my bones but names will never harm me," was full of crap. The names can easily break your heart.
Chris, I've been married TWICE, and my kids have come out of it relatively unscathed, happy and well-adjusted, and they are 20 and 22. So let me give you some advice FWIW. You're going to have to take the high road here. Do not try to convince your kids of the merits of your position. I don't know how old your kids are, but the right response to them is, "this is not your business. It's not your fault either. You didn't create these problems and you can't fix them." over and over and over. Do not take abuse from your kids or anyone else. If they're nasty then end the conversation, "I love you and i will talk to you when you can speak civilly to me." No matter how painful this is for you, leave them out of it. Nothing good will come of it. When they are over 21, and ASK YOU what happened then you can pick and choose what to tell them. No matter how awful your ex is or how she treats you, do not say this to your kids or out loud for others. Say it privately to your friends and we believe you. It's damaging for kids to hear from one parent that the other one is awful. Even if the other one is an axe murderer, they are still the parent and the child has a right to love them. Your children and family are reading this blog. You cannot control what your ex is saying but you can control how you handle it. Take the high road for the sake of your children. Heal yourself. Your kids have to figure out the truth themselves--you cannot convince them. That is the only hope for them and you to come out of this in one piece. Chris, this is free advice, and you are free to ignore it--at your peril. Love Cynthia
ReplyDeleteChris, Cynthia is correct we cannot control what the other ADULT has said to the children all we can do is be the BIGGER person. It sounds like your "X" is very bitter about the whole divorce deal. But what she needs to remember it takes "2" to make or break a marriage no one is ever innocent in a divorce and the kids should say "look mom he is our dad and not to hurt you but we still want to have him in our lives" that would be big of your kids. No one should attack the other especially kids should not attack their parents during a tough time. Trust me when I say this "no divorce is easy" not on the husband, wife nor the kids. Some kids think they need to take sides but in reality "NO" they don't they just need to love both parents.
ReplyDeleteHang in there life will get better and the kids will grow up to only see who is the bigger person and not trashing out the other party.